Why We Pretend Not to Remember Your Coffee Order

Erica Bell

You know what really gets me? You walked into the studio today, looked me dead in the eye, and asked if I take oat milk or almond milk in my iced latte.

Ethan Cole

I, I was just making sure. People change their orders, Erica.

Erica Bell

Ethan. We have worked together for months. I have ordered the exact same oat milk latte with two shots of espresso every single Tuesday. You did not forget.

Ethan Cole

Okay, look. It, it is a tactic. It is a tactical move.

Erica Bell

Tactical memory loss! See, I knew it. That is bullshit and you know it. Why do men do this? Why act like you have early onset amnesia the second you get around a woman?

Ethan Cole

Because if I walk in and hand you your exact coffee with the exact temperature, two shots, oat milk, no sugar, three weeks into knowing you it, it sends a message. It says, hey, I sit at home thinking about your milk preferences. It makes you look like a hyper fixated stalker. It really does.

Erica Bell

A stalker? For remembering how someone takes their coffee?

Ethan Cole

Yes! In early dating especially. If a guy admits he remembers a minor detail you dropped offhand three weeks ago on date one, he loses all his leverage. He looks over invested.

Erica Bell

Okay, wait a minute. That doesn't make sense. You think keeping track of basic human information loses your power?

Ethan Cole

It is about posture, Erica. It is about maintaining an unbothered posture. The private fear for a guy, right, is if I show you I memorized your work schedule, your sister's birthday, and your favorite spot in the park, you immediately know I am sitting on my couch re reading our texts. You know I care. And once you know I care that much, the cool factor is gone.

Erica Bell

Hmm. That is so funny because on the female side, the private fear is almost identical, just inverted. Her private fear is, if I admit I remember your dog's name is Buster and that he had a vet appointment last Thursday at three, you are going to realize I checked your Instagram story twice and re read the text where you mentioned it. So instead, she sits there at dinner, staring at you, pretending she does not even remember if you have siblings.

Ethan Cole

Exactly! So we are both sitting across the table from each other, totally lying, pretending we have the memory capacity of a goldfish.

Ethan Cole

I, I will actually confess something embarrassing right now, since we are calling it out. Back in 2022, I was going on a second date with this girl.

Erica Bell

Okay, spill.

Ethan Cole

Before I picked her up, I pulled over in a parking lot. I spent five solid minutes going back through our text thread to find where she mentioned what her sister studied in college. I memorized it. Sister, communications, Michigan State. Got it.

Erica Bell

You did research!

Ethan Cole

I studied for the exam! But then we get to dinner, and she brings up her family. And instead of just saying, oh yeah, your sister doing communications at Michigan State, how is she? I leaned back, took a sip of water, looked slightly confused, and said, wait, what does your sister do again?

Erica Bell

No! Ethan, why?

Ethan Cole

To project detachment. I needed her to explain it to me again so I could pretend I was just casually recalling it for the first time. I wanted to seem like a guy whose brain was full of important business, not her text messages.

Erica Bell

That is so toxic! But honestly, I cannot even judge you because I have done the exact same thing. I am a Pisces, okay? I naturally store emotional data. I remember timestamps. I remember what shirt you wore on July fourteenth. I remember that you said your second cousin lives in Ohio.

Ethan Cole

Right, which is terrifying if you say it out loud.

Erica Bell

It is terrifying! So I have had moments where a guy mentions a restaurant, and I know for a fact he told me two weeks ago that he hates their pasta. But instead of saying that, I execute this frantic, fake script. I go, oh wait, is that the place with the red awnings? Or wait, was that you who mentioned that, or was that my friend Sarah? I literally play dumb to protect my ego.

Ethan Cole

See? It is the eighty twenty rule of dating amnesia. Eighty percent of perceived bad memory isn't indifference at all. It is active performance anxiety designed to conceal genuine investment.

Erica Bell

And the other twenty percent?

Ethan Cole

The other twenty percent is just guys who actually were not listening.

Erica Bell

Fair enough!

Erica Bell

You know, this reminds me of something relationship coach Matthew Hussey talks about when he breaks down the trap of playing it cool in early dating. He pointed out that so many people operate under this deep anxiety that once the other person knows how into them they are, they will have lost all of their power. Exact quote, once you know how into you I am, I will have lost all of my power.

Ethan Cole

And he is right. That is how most people feel.

Erica Bell

Except it creates a total mess! When you withhold every detail and act like you do not care, you create an emotional cold front. If I am on a date with a guy and he constantly pretends he does not remember basic things I told him, I do not think, oh wow, he is so cool and unbothered. I think, oh, this guy is not paying attention, or he is emotionally unavailable. So I pull back.

Ethan Cole

Yeah, but if he comes on too strong, if he remembers every single word, you panic and think he is obsessed. You have to keep the floor level.

Erica Bell

No! That is where people confuse indifference with actual confidence. Hussey makes the point that your power does not come from pretending you are indifferent. It comes from your standards. You can show interest, you can show you remembered her favorite drink or her dog's name, because if she turns out to be inconsistent or unavailable, your standard is what allows you to walk away. You do not need to fake memory loss to protect yourself if you trust your own boundaries.

Ethan Cole

Hmm. That, that actually lands. But from a male strategic perspective, it feels risky to lay your cards out before you know what she is holding.

Erica Bell

Oh, spoken like a true strategic placement. Let us talk about the astrology here for a second, because this behavioral pattern shows up so clearly in the signs. If you look at fixed placements like Scorpio or Taurus, they weaponize selective memory. A Scorpio will remember the exact phrase you used six months ago, but they will sit there looking at you like an empty wall, using that information as a vault for emotional control.

Ethan Cole

And what about the mutable signs?

Erica Bell

Oh, Pisces, Gemini, Sagittarius? They have the opposite problem. A Gemini or a Pisces will accidentally blurt out a micro detail from your cousin's wedding three years ago that they saw on a tagged photo, instantly realize what they said, and then spent ten frantic minutes trying to cover their tracks with a fake story about how their friend told them.

Ethan Cole

Okay, I have seen that happen in real time.

Erica Bell

Let us break down a real scenario, because this happens in texting and dating all the time. Say a woman casually mentions on date one that her childhood dog was named Buster, and he passed away when she was twelve. Date three rolls around. They are sitting at dinner, and the guy looks at her and says, so do you have any pets? Or did you grow up with animals?

Ethan Cole

Right. Classic setup.

Erica Bell

Here is what she thinks in her head: Wow, I shared something vulnerable about my childhood dog two dates ago, and he does not even remember if I had pets. He was not listening to me. He only cares about getting in my pants. He is emotionally absent.

Ethan Cole

And here is what is actually happening in his head: I remember Buster. I remember he was a golden retriever mix. I remember she cried a little when she told me. But if I say, how are you feeling about Buster today, on date three, she is going to think I am a weird emotional investigator who is tracking her childhood trauma. So I am going to ask a broad question to let her bring it up if she wants to.

Erica Bell

Wow. Do you see how insane that is? Both people are acting on unspoken assumptions driven by fear rather than reality!

Ethan Cole

It is total miscommunication. He thinks he is preventing himself from sounding creepy, she thinks he is totally disinvested, and now the energy at the table just dropped ten degrees.

Erica Bell

So how do we re script that? How does that interaction look if both people drop the fake unbothered act?

Ethan Cole

If he is smart and grounded, he just says, hey, I remember you mentioned Buster on our first date. Do you think you would ever get another dog? Simple. It shows he listened, but it does not make it heavy.

Erica Bell

And on her side, instead of sitting there suspicious, if he does ask a broad question, she can just give him warmth instead of a test. She can smile and say, yeah, like I told you about Buster, I loved having a dog growing up. Giving him a gentle green light to show he actually did remember, without turning it into an interrogation.

Erica Bell

When you step back and look at it, this whole performance, the pretending to forget names, pretending you do not remember coffee orders, pretending you do not know where they work, it is just a defensive shield against potential rejection.

Ethan Cole

It really is. If I act like I do not care, then if you pull away tomorrow, I get to tell myself I was never that invested anyway. It protects the ego.

Erica Bell

Right. But here is the truth that people need to write down: Being unbothered does not make you magnetic. It just makes you forgettable. Real confidence is not pretending you forgot; it is having the standards to stay if they match your energy and walk if they do not.

Ethan Cole

That is accurate. You end up playing yourself out of a genuine connection because you were too busy trying to look like you had options.

Erica Bell

Exactly. Your sign matters, your past patterns matter, but your standards matter more. So, Ethan, are you going to stop with the early onset amnesia routine when you get my coffee?

Ethan Cole

Fine. Next Tuesday, double shot oat milk latte, no questions asked.

Erica Bell

Good. And I pledge to stop acting like a homicide detective cross examining men to see if they remember what I wore last Tuesday.

Ethan Cole

Deal. Good chat today, Erica.

Erica Bell

Yeah, good chat. Catch you guys next time.